x_-Noctis-_x's mega jokes thread

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Different Opinion

There was a priest amongst the many people seated around the table at a restaurant. At one stage, one of the party, trying to be funny, turned to his partner at the table and said, so everyone could hear: “If I had an idiot for a son, I’d see to it that he became a priest.”

To which the priest replied with a mischievous smile: “From the look of things, your father didn’t share that opinion...”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

Lost Control

As he reviewed pilot crash reports, an Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: “After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control.”

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Trombone Evil

Bob: Al, when did you get a trombone?

Al: I borrowed it from my neighbour’s kid.

Bob: I didn’t know you could play the trombone.

Al: I can’t. And now, neither can he.
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[DM Poisoned]

yea,ill gave ^^^^dat one 3/10,but thanks!!!!!!!!

 

[DM ToRNaDo412]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Pwned

A linguistics professor is teaching her students about grammar in foreign languages.
“In English,” she says, “A double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive is a negative.”

Just then a voice from the back of the class exclaims, “Yeah, right.”
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get owned bitch

 

[DM Poisoned]

Wow u sound like u ownd sum1 Tor =p

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

lol sorry for the delay on jokes...been really busy.


<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Serious or not?

“Can you join us for a golf foursome?” one doctor asked another on the phone. “We’re one short.”
“Yes, I’ll rush right over,” he replied.
“Is it serious, darling?” asked his anxious wife as she helped him put on his coat.
“I’m afraid it is, my dear,” he said. “There are three doctors there already.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

Devil's Sister

Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk, and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he slurred.
“I’m the devil,” she answered.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said. “I married your sister.”

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Cricket Fan

“I am a cricket fan,” a first-standard teacher explains to her class. “Who likes cricket?”

Everyone raises a hand except one little girl. “Rosie,” the teacher says, surprised. “Why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“I’m not a cricket fan.”

“Well, if you are not a cricket fan, then what game do you like?”

“Football,” Rosie answers.

“Why in the world are you a football fan?”

“Because my mom and dad are football fans.”

“That’s no reason to be a football fan,” the teacher replies, annoyed. “You don’t always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?”

“A cricket fan.”

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Praise the Lord

Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”

And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!”

One day she prayed, “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me groceries.”

The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.

“I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries.”

“Praise the Lord,” the woman said. “He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

Heaven or Hell?

My sister’s dog had been deaf and blind for years. When she started to suffer painful tumours, it was time to put her down. As I explained this to my seven-year-old son, he asked if Jazzy would go to heaven. I said I thought she would, and that in dog heaven, she would be healthy again and able to do her favourite thing: chase squirrels.

Jacob thought about that for a minute, then said, “So dog heaven must be the same as squirrel hell.”

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Management

A hot-air balloonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

“Yes,” the guy said. “You’re in a balloon.”

“You must work in IT,” the balloonist said.

“How did you know?”

“What you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”

“And you must work in management,” the man on the ground retorted.

“Yea.”

“You don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to help. And you’re in the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Experienced

Shortly after joining the army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day’s assignments. After handing over various tasks, he asked, “Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?”

A longtime ham operator, I shouted, “I do!”

“Good,” he said. “You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Bean What?

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

Literally

A black man went to play golf. Watching him some spectators yelled Tiger Woods!! Feeling flattered he bowed when the tiger came out of the woods and ate him.

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Importance of Tie

A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for a drink, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he came across a little man at a stall selling ties.

“Do you have water?” the Taliban rebel asked.

“No, but would you like to buy a tie? $50.”

“Fool!” shouted the fighter. “I don’t need an over-priced tie. I should kill you, but I must find water first.”

“OK,” said the stall owner. “It does not matter that you do not want my ties and that you hate me. I will show you I am a bigger man than that. If you continue over that hill for about five kilometres, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need.”

Muttering, the fighter staggered over the hill.

Several hours later, he staggered back.

“Your filthy swine of a brother won’t let me in without a tie.”
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[DM Poisoned]

LMFAO!!!! Cheap jokes

 

[DM4L Shoot2Kill]

lol nice jokes nocy,xD this is gonna take me a while 2 read all of these

 

[IronJason2]

that waz so funny man.g00D

 

[DM ToRNaDo412]

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."