Don't be shellfish...
Finally, the Red Sox promoted Nomah’s heir apparent — Zandah Bogats!* Johnny Pesky and Ted Williams’s frozen head said, “Allaka Xander!” and poof a direct descendant of Cahl Yahstremski, Nomah and former top prospect, Harvey Jod, who died tragically in a parking lot incident, appeared.* Drafting a hard A-voweled hitter makes as much sense for the Sox as drafting soft O’s for the Twins:* Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau; they still must rue the day they lost out on Joe Charboneau.* But, you know, you can’t spell Xander Bogaerts without Red Sox, and he’s got bat and range, to boot.* So, here’s looking at you, Bogaerts!* Went there, wrote that — Xander Bogaerts fantasy, that is.* Now Xander’s here to Bogaert the Red Sox shortstop job.* There’s a chance he simply platoons this year.* If he’s only used against lefties, his value will be severely diminished in redraft leagues.* My guess is he’ll play shortstop vs. lefties, and play some third base vs. righties with Middlebrooks grabbing pine occasionally.* Obviously, it wasn’t a great sign last night that he was benched vs. a righty, but it was just one game.* I’d grab him in all leagues because his bat is that good.* Think of a Puig-type splash at shortstop.* Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis d’Arnaud – 0-for-3.* The Mets announced d’Arnaud would take over as the primary catcher after Buck missed a few games for the birth of his child.* Isn’t there some kind of paternity leave laws to stop this?* Where’s Gloria Allred when you need her?* And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.* So, Buck went from prospblock to screwed and now that d’Arnaud is the Mets catcher, I’d grab him in deeper leagues.* He has solid power (22+ HRs over a season) and shouldn’t completely kill you in batting average.* He was in the Blue Jays system and ofttimes compared to Arencibia, but with a better bat.* Bee tee dubya, don’t say ofttimes in conversation, you’ll be wedgied.* In keeper leagues, he’s a must-own.* He could be on par with Carlos Santana, as early as next year.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 20th homer.* According to our Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Shin-Soo Choo and much more valuable than Alex Gordon, Fowler, Jennings, Cespedes, to name a few.* This Byrd you cannot cage!
Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.* I just picked him up in one of our leagues, which makes no sense whatsoever.* He shouldn’t be on waivers in any leagues, let alone a 14-team one.* Rudy’s owned Gee for the better part of two months (and might’ve benched him in some match-ups) and has 62 2/3 IP from him and a 2.01 ERA and 1.09 WHIP.* If you can’t hold that in every league, you have serious ADHD.* Take a pill, it’s affecting your life.
Kyle Gibson – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER.* After the game, he was optioned to the Twins– Oops, I mean he was optioned to the minors.* Tomato-tomato.
Mike Trout – Sat out yesterday with a tight hammy.* Angels are calling him day-to-day.* They might just be texting him, not sure.
Albert Pujols – Officially shut down for the year.* When I was a young boy with a wispy lip brow, mother told me a healthy Pujols produces crap.* She was wrong.* That was the only time.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer and his 2nd homer in as many games.* He’s held it together a bit better this 2nd half than previous ones, but he’s still batting .242 overall and .225 post-All-Star break, so there’s that.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer and first since June 26th.* Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and is day-to-day all other times.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals.* For Wong’s sake (not sure why, but that made me laugh) and all other rookie position players, you should give them a week after you’ve grabbed them before reevaluating.* I know, there’s not much time left, but you got Wong (damn, made me laughed again) so hold Wong (ha!).
Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.* Don’t count Molina out of the batting title race just yet.* (BTW, if you’re counting Molina in or out of the batting title race, you gotta get out and see the sun more.)
Jon Jay – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2nd game in a row with a homer.* We got ourselves a full-blown case of the hot schmotatoes!
Jeff Manship – 5 IP, 5 ER in Philly.* You think Manship would know that Colorado built this pitching staff…They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road!* They built this pitching staff…They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road!
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-3 and his 21st homer.**They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road!* Sorry, that’s stuck in my head now.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, now hitting in the two hole and batting near.350 in the last week.* In fact, the Phillies lineup is all moved around.* I call that Ryno-plasty.
David DeJesus – Traded to the Nats for a player to be named later.* The player to be named later is zyngawf_532398.* At least that’s their Words With Friends username.
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 8 ER.* JZ hasn’t looked that bad since Kingdom Come.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer.* Hitting near .325 in the last week with an RBI in every game but one.* Ramos a bailar en schmotato de caliente.
Jeff Samardzija – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.* Sit down, over-the-internet friend, you might suffer from Samardzijaphrenia.* Symptoms include benching Samardzija when he pitches well, starting him when he pitches poorly and lots of muttering to yourself.
Nate Schierholtz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (17, 18).* Hitter-Tron also likes him for the next few days.* I know that because I looked at it, then disregarded it and dropped him so I could activate Desmond Jennings.* NOOOOOOOOOOOltz!* Why do you torture me Fantasy Baseball Overlord?* Did I not bring you back a Chipwich when you said you wanted a sweet?* Did I not?!
Donnie Murphy – 2-for-4 and two solo homers.* He seems to do nothing for weeks then has a huge game out of nowhere.* I suppose it’s the luck of the Irish.
Junior Lake – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 5 for his last 8 as it looks like he’s coming alive again.* Lake not-so-placid — amiright?!
Angel Pagan – Expected back September 1st.* When the Vatican’s chimney expels twelve smoke rings, Angel Pagan will be ready to take over the world with a scary-looking albino.* Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, Dan Brown wrote it.* If you’re relying on Pagan to return to save your team, I’d consider joining a football commenter league.* Pagan will be a name to grab if he comes out hitting.* If he comes out missing, he’s just another name on the waiver wire trash heap.
Matt Moore – Said he felt good playing catch.* Aw, that’s heartwarming.* Did Joe Maddon also pat him on the head?
David Price – 5 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.* He just didn’t have his best stuff last night.* He didn’t have his worst either.* He left that to Jordan Zimmermann.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 and a homer.* 7 more to go!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer and 2nd homer in the last four games.* No matter how hot he gets, he’ll always be platooned, but if you have room to play him against his strong side, it’s worth the flyer.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.* That’s his 2nd homer in the last three games and 3rd this week.* Today was also his first multi-hit game all week.* Wieters, you taking hitting lessons from J.P. Arencibia?* It’s okay to hit a line drive once in a while.* Maybe even a ground ball to keep people honest.* That was Abraham Lincoln’s mom’s secret with her boy.* “Abe, I’m gonna hit you ground balls.* It’ll keep you honest.”* Actual statement from Abe Lincoln’s mom’s autobiography.
Jarrod Parker – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the M’s in O.co.* Obviously, not the toughest of matchups, but it was still a terrific game from Parker, who’s been hit or miss, but in baseball terms those are reversed as to which is positive and negative.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer.* You’re cute when you’re knocking balls out of the park.* Keep being cute, you big oaf.
Donovan Solano – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week.* Not much more than an average hitter, but he has been getting the average lately.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and has a hit in seven straight games and eight of ten.* Still no signs of power.* (Last homer was July 6th.* Wait a minute, July 6th July 6th?* Oh, come on, get me out of this parenthetical and get me to the next blurb.* I command you, one hundred monkeys on one*hundred typewriters that are writing up these roundups!* Ling Ling, now!)
Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.41.* At least I think it was lowered.* When your ERA is that low, it’s hard to be sure. * By the by, the first Buy of the year.* Buy Jo-Fer and sell Sabathia (also told you to buy Domonic Brown and Jean Segura — which means at that point they were under 50% owned).* Okay, I’m now going to jump in my DeLorean and travel back 35 years to impregnate your mom so you can call me daddy.
Matt Kemp – Not expected back before September 1st.* I wouldn’t expect him back before September 15th and even then I could see him just playing here and there to prepare for the playoffs.* Then all the people who drafted him and watched him ruin their season can watch him pull a Sandoval in the playoffs to get everyone crazy about him again for next year.
Adrian Beltre – 0-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal and a victim of routhenasia.* The steal’s nice and all, but the Rangers scored 16 runs.* How is it even possible to go 0-for-2 when your team scores that much?* Seriously.** Ticker tease!
A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer.* Didn’t I ask someone to remind me to pick up Pierzynski for every short schedule day?* I help you, don’t I?* It’s too much for you to drop in the comments a little, “Nice ‘stache, you lothario beast-man!* Oh, and it’s a short schedule day, grab Pierzynski.”
Leonys Martin – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs.* I owned him at one point.* Now I have L.J. Hoes.* Eff me!* Not you, Hoes.
Daniel Nava – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .500 in the last week, and I already picked him up in one league.** Now I can rename my team, The Nava-Hoes.
Jon Lester – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.* Not an overpowering game K-wise, but definitely didn’t need to register at City Hall as ‘meh’ Lester either.
Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.* The Regression Fairies DVR every episode of Glee, they know the guy that makes the best wheatgrass shot in town and they will Hulk-smash your ERA.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer.* Doode’s playing on another world lately.* And that world is called, “About Time You Did Something Sweet.”* It’s in the galaxy, “I Know You Were Hurt, But Still.”
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4, 2 runs.* We talk a bit about Phillips on the podcast coming later today.* Say the previous line again in the movie trailer guy’s voice and it sounds much more exciting.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer.* How many homers does he need in the last five weeks to redeem himself?* 17?* Get crackalack’ing, Frazier!
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.53.* I never had him this year, but that’s because I was too stubborn to pick him up when it looked like he had turned things around.* Regrets, I’ve had a few.* But then again, too few to mention.* I did what I had to do and saw it through without baseball’s anti-trust exemption.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 31st homer.* He did have 30 when we recorded the podcast and he did hit his 31st on Saturday.* You’ll understand what I mean once you listen to the podcast.
Carlos Quentin – Said he’s 50/50 to return.* Then he shaved his head as Seth Rogen watched.
Ryan Braun – Claimed the urine collector was an anti-Semite.* When reached for comment, Rabbi Schmuley replied, “If chutzpah were cream cheese, Braun could shmear every New Yorker’s bagel and still have some left over for out-of-town guests.”
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Finally, the Red Sox promoted Nomah’s heir apparent — Zandah Bogats!* Johnny Pesky and Ted Williams’s frozen head said, “Allaka Xander!” and poof a direct descendant of Cahl Yahstremski, Nomah and former top prospect, Harvey Jod, who died tragically in a parking lot incident, appeared.* Drafting a hard A-voweled hitter makes as much sense for the Sox as drafting soft O’s for the Twins:* Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau; they still must rue the day they lost out on Joe Charboneau.* But, you know, you can’t spell Xander Bogaerts without Red Sox, and he’s got bat and range, to boot.* So, here’s looking at you, Bogaerts!* Went there, wrote that — Xander Bogaerts fantasy, that is.* Now Xander’s here to Bogaert the Red Sox shortstop job.* There’s a chance he simply platoons this year.* If he’s only used against lefties, his value will be severely diminished in redraft leagues.* My guess is he’ll play shortstop vs. lefties, and play some third base vs. righties with Middlebrooks grabbing pine occasionally.* Obviously, it wasn’t a great sign last night that he was benched vs. a righty, but it was just one game.* I’d grab him in all leagues because his bat is that good.* Think of a Puig-type splash at shortstop.* Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis d’Arnaud – 0-for-3.* The Mets announced d’Arnaud would take over as the primary catcher after Buck missed a few games for the birth of his child.* Isn’t there some kind of paternity leave laws to stop this?* Where’s Gloria Allred when you need her?* And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.* So, Buck went from prospblock to screwed and now that d’Arnaud is the Mets catcher, I’d grab him in deeper leagues.* He has solid power (22+ HRs over a season) and shouldn’t completely kill you in batting average.* He was in the Blue Jays system and ofttimes compared to Arencibia, but with a better bat.* Bee tee dubya, don’t say ofttimes in conversation, you’ll be wedgied.* In keeper leagues, he’s a must-own.* He could be on par with Carlos Santana, as early as next year.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 20th homer.* According to our Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Shin-Soo Choo and much more valuable than Alex Gordon, Fowler, Jennings, Cespedes, to name a few.* This Byrd you cannot cage!
Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.* I just picked him up in one of our leagues, which makes no sense whatsoever.* He shouldn’t be on waivers in any leagues, let alone a 14-team one.* Rudy’s owned Gee for the better part of two months (and might’ve benched him in some match-ups) and has 62 2/3 IP from him and a 2.01 ERA and 1.09 WHIP.* If you can’t hold that in every league, you have serious ADHD.* Take a pill, it’s affecting your life.
Kyle Gibson – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER.* After the game, he was optioned to the Twins– Oops, I mean he was optioned to the minors.* Tomato-tomato.
Mike Trout – Sat out yesterday with a tight hammy.* Angels are calling him day-to-day.* They might just be texting him, not sure.
Albert Pujols – Officially shut down for the year.* When I was a young boy with a wispy lip brow, mother told me a healthy Pujols produces crap.* She was wrong.* That was the only time.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer and his 2nd homer in as many games.* He’s held it together a bit better this 2nd half than previous ones, but he’s still batting .242 overall and .225 post-All-Star break, so there’s that.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer and first since June 26th.* Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and is day-to-day all other times.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals.* For Wong’s sake (not sure why, but that made me laugh) and all other rookie position players, you should give them a week after you’ve grabbed them before reevaluating.* I know, there’s not much time left, but you got Wong (damn, made me laughed again) so hold Wong (ha!).
Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.* Don’t count Molina out of the batting title race just yet.* (BTW, if you’re counting Molina in or out of the batting title race, you gotta get out and see the sun more.)
Jon Jay – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2nd game in a row with a homer.* We got ourselves a full-blown case of the hot schmotatoes!
Jeff Manship – 5 IP, 5 ER in Philly.* You think Manship would know that Colorado built this pitching staff…They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road!* They built this pitching staff…They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road!
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-3 and his 21st homer.**They built this pitching staff for when the Rox are on the road!* Sorry, that’s stuck in my head now.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, now hitting in the two hole and batting near.350 in the last week.* In fact, the Phillies lineup is all moved around.* I call that Ryno-plasty.
David DeJesus – Traded to the Nats for a player to be named later.* The player to be named later is zyngawf_532398.* At least that’s their Words With Friends username.
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 8 ER.* JZ hasn’t looked that bad since Kingdom Come.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer.* Hitting near .325 in the last week with an RBI in every game but one.* Ramos a bailar en schmotato de caliente.
Jeff Samardzija – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.* Sit down, over-the-internet friend, you might suffer from Samardzijaphrenia.* Symptoms include benching Samardzija when he pitches well, starting him when he pitches poorly and lots of muttering to yourself.
Nate Schierholtz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (17, 18).* Hitter-Tron also likes him for the next few days.* I know that because I looked at it, then disregarded it and dropped him so I could activate Desmond Jennings.* NOOOOOOOOOOOltz!* Why do you torture me Fantasy Baseball Overlord?* Did I not bring you back a Chipwich when you said you wanted a sweet?* Did I not?!
Donnie Murphy – 2-for-4 and two solo homers.* He seems to do nothing for weeks then has a huge game out of nowhere.* I suppose it’s the luck of the Irish.
Junior Lake – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 5 for his last 8 as it looks like he’s coming alive again.* Lake not-so-placid — amiright?!
Angel Pagan – Expected back September 1st.* When the Vatican’s chimney expels twelve smoke rings, Angel Pagan will be ready to take over the world with a scary-looking albino.* Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, Dan Brown wrote it.* If you’re relying on Pagan to return to save your team, I’d consider joining a football commenter league.* Pagan will be a name to grab if he comes out hitting.* If he comes out missing, he’s just another name on the waiver wire trash heap.
Matt Moore – Said he felt good playing catch.* Aw, that’s heartwarming.* Did Joe Maddon also pat him on the head?
David Price – 5 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.* He just didn’t have his best stuff last night.* He didn’t have his worst either.* He left that to Jordan Zimmermann.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 and a homer.* 7 more to go!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer and 2nd homer in the last four games.* No matter how hot he gets, he’ll always be platooned, but if you have room to play him against his strong side, it’s worth the flyer.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.* That’s his 2nd homer in the last three games and 3rd this week.* Today was also his first multi-hit game all week.* Wieters, you taking hitting lessons from J.P. Arencibia?* It’s okay to hit a line drive once in a while.* Maybe even a ground ball to keep people honest.* That was Abraham Lincoln’s mom’s secret with her boy.* “Abe, I’m gonna hit you ground balls.* It’ll keep you honest.”* Actual statement from Abe Lincoln’s mom’s autobiography.
Jarrod Parker – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the M’s in O.co.* Obviously, not the toughest of matchups, but it was still a terrific game from Parker, who’s been hit or miss, but in baseball terms those are reversed as to which is positive and negative.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer.* You’re cute when you’re knocking balls out of the park.* Keep being cute, you big oaf.
Donovan Solano – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week.* Not much more than an average hitter, but he has been getting the average lately.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and has a hit in seven straight games and eight of ten.* Still no signs of power.* (Last homer was July 6th.* Wait a minute, July 6th July 6th?* Oh, come on, get me out of this parenthetical and get me to the next blurb.* I command you, one hundred monkeys on one*hundred typewriters that are writing up these roundups!* Ling Ling, now!)
Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.41.* At least I think it was lowered.* When your ERA is that low, it’s hard to be sure. * By the by, the first Buy of the year.* Buy Jo-Fer and sell Sabathia (also told you to buy Domonic Brown and Jean Segura — which means at that point they were under 50% owned).* Okay, I’m now going to jump in my DeLorean and travel back 35 years to impregnate your mom so you can call me daddy.
Matt Kemp – Not expected back before September 1st.* I wouldn’t expect him back before September 15th and even then I could see him just playing here and there to prepare for the playoffs.* Then all the people who drafted him and watched him ruin their season can watch him pull a Sandoval in the playoffs to get everyone crazy about him again for next year.
Adrian Beltre – 0-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal and a victim of routhenasia.* The steal’s nice and all, but the Rangers scored 16 runs.* How is it even possible to go 0-for-2 when your team scores that much?* Seriously.** Ticker tease!
A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer.* Didn’t I ask someone to remind me to pick up Pierzynski for every short schedule day?* I help you, don’t I?* It’s too much for you to drop in the comments a little, “Nice ‘stache, you lothario beast-man!* Oh, and it’s a short schedule day, grab Pierzynski.”
Leonys Martin – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs.* I owned him at one point.* Now I have L.J. Hoes.* Eff me!* Not you, Hoes.
Daniel Nava – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .500 in the last week, and I already picked him up in one league.** Now I can rename my team, The Nava-Hoes.
Jon Lester – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.* Not an overpowering game K-wise, but definitely didn’t need to register at City Hall as ‘meh’ Lester either.
Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.* The Regression Fairies DVR every episode of Glee, they know the guy that makes the best wheatgrass shot in town and they will Hulk-smash your ERA.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer.* Doode’s playing on another world lately.* And that world is called, “About Time You Did Something Sweet.”* It’s in the galaxy, “I Know You Were Hurt, But Still.”
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4, 2 runs.* We talk a bit about Phillips on the podcast coming later today.* Say the previous line again in the movie trailer guy’s voice and it sounds much more exciting.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer.* How many homers does he need in the last five weeks to redeem himself?* 17?* Get crackalack’ing, Frazier!
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.53.* I never had him this year, but that’s because I was too stubborn to pick him up when it looked like he had turned things around.* Regrets, I’ve had a few.* But then again, too few to mention.* I did what I had to do and saw it through without baseball’s anti-trust exemption.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 31st homer.* He did have 30 when we recorded the podcast and he did hit his 31st on Saturday.* You’ll understand what I mean once you listen to the podcast.
Carlos Quentin – Said he’s 50/50 to return.* Then he shaved his head as Seth Rogen watched.
Ryan Braun – Claimed the urine collector was an anti-Semite.* When reached for comment, Rabbi Schmuley replied, “If chutzpah were cream cheese, Braun could shmear every New Yorker’s bagel and still have some left over for out-of-town guests.”
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