Joke of the Day Thread: THIS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE JOKES GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DM Shadow]

Lets share some laughter and smiles http://www.geekstogo.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif http://www.geekstogo.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif





Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents (PG)

Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night.

Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.

The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer...5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Velatorix]

This is my favorite joke.

A couple of Redneck deer hunters in the rural south are out in the woods deer hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, I'm sure he's dead, now what?"

[DM Shadow]

Thats hilarious!

[FlyMEXboy]

dude this is a joke that my prevertied counsin told me but dont worry its pg
after each sentence u say "i am a man"

i went to a club
i saw this girl
we went to my house
we went to bed
she is wispering in my ear and she says

[DM Shadow]

lol, thats pretty good. out here we call shemales "mahus"

[Velatorix]

You guys are sick. really. Can we please tell clean jokes? Come on fly, tell us a good one.

[Halifax]

Lets share some laughter and smiles http://www.geekstogo.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif http://www.geekstogo.com/forum/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif





Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents (PG)

Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night.

Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.

The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer...5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."



first of all its funny second of all i heard this joke b4 i think i heard it online somewhere.

[Velatorix]

Hey I saw this true story that was kinda funny in the Reader's Digest in the Humour In Uniform section. I don't remember exactly how it went but is was something like this.

A little girl and her mother are talking about babies one day. The little girl's Daddy is fighting in the military. So the little girl up and says, "I think we should have another baby soon." The young mother smiles at her little daughter and says, "I think that's a great idea, but don't you think we should wait until your father gets home?" "No," says the little girl, "lets surprise him!"

[X DM Member]

Heres mine...:
Ask someone (a friend) what is your level in piano/skating/gaming/other stuff that has levels. After they reply, for instance 0, say this, thats the number of balls you have. If its a girl then yeah the other way around.

[DM CharlesK]

why do waiters give bad blow jobs?


cus they only care about the tip....

ahahaha

[DM CharlesK]

why do women preferr circumcised penis or un-circumcised ?

cus they love things that are 10***37; off.

[C Darwin]

what does joe have to do with this ...............................

reply=joe who?

answer=joe moma

[Elite]

Heres some Aviation jokes just for you Jess =)

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."


From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.


As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.


:rofl4:

[Velatorix]

Thanks Elite, they were kinda funny. My Mom got some really funny aviation jokes in her e-mail a couple years ago, I'll try to find them to post here.

[Velatorix]

Here ya go Elite, these are hilarious!

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny"
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious"


Problem: "Target Radar hums"
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics"

[DM ikilledu]

ok so this kid just got trucked in football and he falls to the ground n his friend comes over n asks "are u hurt". the kid says it hurts so bad!!!.his friend said "thats wat she said".......

[FlyMEXboy]

Lmfao

[supergrany]

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.

Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

[supergrany]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

[DM4L SK]

the kid walks into his parents room and they are having sex. the kid asks daddy what are you doing dad says im playing poker your moms the dealer im the player so he walks out of his parents room into his grandmas room and his grandparents are having sex he goes grandma what are you doing grandma ssays im playin poker im the dealer grandpa is the player the kid is sitting in his room wacking off and his dad walks in and goes son what are you doing the son says im playing poker dad says but you have to have to people to play poker and thhe son says not if you have a good hand...

[DM Caveman]

A nun and priest are walking through the desert via camel back in the soaring 120 degree heat when all of a sudden the camel collapses. They both stare at each other in amazement as they ponder their next move when finnaly the priest comes up with ''sister were done for. but b-4 i die i have always wanted to see a womans body and all the glory she has to offer a man'' with no shame the nun replies'' father your absolutly right. me too have always wanted to see what a man has to offer a woman'' so they both start stripping down to the nitty gritty. when finnally the nun sees his pecker and asks the priest ''father what may i ask is that?'' the priest replies '' this my child is what gives life to all things'' so the nun replies '' well y dont u stick in that camels ass and lets get the fuck outta here''

[DM JackBauer]

There's a joke i heard.

There where Four men on a plane and they were carrying diffrent foods to match there religion so The Four men where. 1. a Russian man , 2. Chinese guy, 3.Scots man and number 4. Hawaiian guy, so they took off and then the pilot said there was too much cargo on board and they had to chuck stuff off so they started throwing things off.

The Hawaiian guy threw a fire stick which fell and got stuck in someone's eye.
Scottish Guy threw haggis and got stuck down someone's body and they couldnt breathe.
The Chinese guy threw noodles and strangled someone.
And finally the russian man threw a bomb and at the same time a boy oppsite where the bomb fell farted and the next door house blew up.

;)

[RizZaHReCToR]

i would love to tell u guys a joke about two priests captured by native islanders, but Shadow and Cave revoked my joke telling priveleges.

[DM Caveman]

There's a joke i heard.

There where Four men on a plane and they were carrying diffrent foods to match there religion so The Four men where. 1. a Russian man , 2. Chinese guy, 3.Scots man and number 4. Hawaiian guy, so they took off and then the pilot said there was too much cargo on board and they had to chuck stuff off so they started throwing things off.

The Hawaiian guy threw a fire stick which fell and got stuck in someone's eye.
Scottish Guy threw haggis and got stuck down someone's body and they couldnt breathe.
The Chinese guy threw noodles and strangled someone.
And finally the russian man threw a bomb and at the same time a boy oppsite where the bomb fell farted and the next door house blew up.

;)
:screwy::thumbdown::doh::blink:

[DM JackBauer]

:screwy::thumbdown::doh::blink:
:..(...

[DM Lordlander]

heres one.
OK so theres this girl at sunday school, and she falls asleep. the teacher asks her a question and a little boy pokes her with a pencil, and she says: ''jesus christ!!'' the teacher says correct and she falls back asleep. the teacher asks her another question and the little boy pokes her again. she then says ''god almighty!!'' the teacher says correct, and she falls asleep. the teacher then asked her ''what did eve say after the 35th baby??'' and then the little boy pokes her again. she then says '' IF YOU POKE THAT THING AT ME ONE MORE TIME, IM GONNA SNAP IT IN HALF!!!

[DM xFantin]

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk

[DM xFantin]

Funny

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[DM Lordlander]

Lmfao!!!

[DM Metalhead]

lol just heard this kinda funny blond joke and couldnt stop crackn up

a group of rednecks are chasing a blond, brunet and red head.they chase them into an alley where they see 3 potatoe sacks.they each dive behind 1. the rednecks kick the 1st one and the brunet goes "meow moew" so they think its a cat. they kick the second 1 and the red head goes "bark bark" so they think its a dog.as the rednecks near the last potatoe sack the blond panics and as the rednecks kick it she goes "PoTaToE PoTaToE"

[DM Razor_Bladez]

Heres a Funny one...

A man walks into a bar all sad looking sits at the bar calls the bartender and asks for a beer... the bartender looks at him andd asks y so blue??? the guy says he lost a bet with his wife and cant talk to her for a month. the bartender asked well wuts wrong with that? the man gos well, the month is up tonight..:dance9bh:

[DM Razor_Bladez]

These guys go to a resturant and there sitting there and see spoons sticking out of there pockets and the guys ask y do u all have spoons sticking out of ur pockets?the waitor said well so if we drop a spoon instead of running to go get a new one it saves time to have one with u .. the guys understands so they get there food and the guy drops his spoon so the same waitor comes and gives him that spoon from his pocket. so they get done eating and the guy notices a string sticking out of the waitors pants and asks y do u waitors have those strings.. the waitor replies well our manager says we r spending to much time in the bathroom so the string wips it out for us so we dont have to get our hands dirty.. the guy says ok thats all well and good but how do u put it back in??? the waitor gets quiet and says well dont tell anyone but i just use the spoon..

[Velatorix]

The National Poetry Contest came down to two finalists. One was a Yale graduate from an upper crust family, and the other was a redneck from Alabama. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was “TIMBUKTU”.

When the clock started for the Yale graduate he sat in deep silence till about halfway through his time when he jumped up and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.

When it came to the redneck's turn, he sat deep in thought until he was down to the last few seconds when he suddenly jumped up and said:

Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down.